monkey.org is a thing run by dugsong, dirt, jim, dros and others on 1-3 crappy PCs (suk) running OpenBSD (leet). our machines are naughty, funky, filthy, and occasionally wacky. monkey.org is what we and its users need. if you get anything out of it, consider yourself a lucky monkey.

we have over 200 users, all personal friends. with few exceptions, we have met every single one of our users FTF, and have them under our strict mind control.

monkey is in overcast, poopy ahm nabro, meeshigun. open your right hand, palm up. point at it. there. "pop". "ruhf". "fuhyer". "graeyam". "geeked". "ch-ching!". these goddamn midwesterners.

monkey had its start sometime in 1995 or 1996, when it originally ran on a funky portable 486 box (like a Network General sniffer) running Debian GNU Linux (ugh). we then migrated to FreeBSD, then OpenBSD. like you care.

perhaps dcopp answers it best with this monkey koan:

Monkeys cause me to be both angry and happy.
It is much like a piece of metal stuck in your eye.
You like the metal because it is shiny,
but you also hate it because it is causing you a great deal of pain.

think about it.

wash, you filthy mute! wash!

no. shut up, human.

whatever you want. try http://monkey.org/ for some lame jonks. try http://monkey.org/warez for some 0-d@y w4r3z.

1. go to the SSL-protected page you want to see. accept our server's remote mind-control implant ("certificate"). answer 'OK' to all the prompts. do as i say, human.
2. pee your pants, do a little dance. make that booty clap.

we currently support SSH. SSH is a secure replacement for telnet and the r-commands (rlogin, rsh, rcp). see the monkeyhelp SSH page for info on how to use SSH.

S/Key one-time-password logins. refer to the monkeyhelp S/Key page.

• make a huge, stupid .sig for yourself ('man figlet')
• send yourself e-mail ('man pine')
• watch the watchers ('man wwwreport')
• read spam ('man tin')
• talk to other lusers ('man irc')
• expand your pathetic grade-school vocabulary ('man webster')
• change your lame description on the user page ('man wwwuser')
• check the weather outside your office ('man weather')
• check on your stock options ('man quote')
• share your birthday with monkey users ('man birthday')
• register your very own domain name all for yourself yessirree. ('http://register.monkey.org')
• edit your vhost nameservice ('man nsedit')
• edit your vhost mailservice ('man mxedit')

we currently support SpamAssassin (SA) on our main login server. we are currently investigating a solution for our remote clients and will update as we know more. when you set up SA on our system per our installation script, it will tag things above a certain threshold as SPAM, and throw them into a folder called SPAM.

in order to set up SA, run nospam:

if you already have a .procmailrc or a .forward file, nospam may complain and refuse to run. in that case, feel free to drop us a line.

you can also run nospam to turn SPAM filtering back off. why you would want to do this, we don't know, but we don't ask too many questions around here. if you've modified your .procmailrc or .forward file, nospam will inform you that you need to look into disabling things on your own.

when SA misses a SPAM, save it into a folder called MISSED (this corresponds to ~/mail/MISSED) and then run despam at the prompt:

if you require further knowledge of SA, please visit the SA wiki.

why yes, we have both services, and they're so closely related that if you switch to IMAP-based e-mail, you automatically will be able to use our webmail services. e-mail root@ for account setup.

once the account is setup, you'll take one of two paths:

click here if you have a .procmailrc file already, or you've run the nospam command above and have the subsequently created .procmailrc file in your home directory.

if you're not using procmail:

1. edit the .forward file in your home directory

2. set the contents of the file to be:

   monkey-<user>@imap.monkeymail.org
3. install the monkey CA cert
4. change your password via the monkeymail web interface:
   1. log in with your <user>@monkey.org account and temporary password
   2. click on Options
   3. click on Change Password
5. set up your imap e-mail client
6. e-mail root@ if you have any questions!

if you have a .procmailrc file already, or you've run the nospam command above and have the subsequently created .procmailrc file in your home directory:

1. edit the .procmailrc file

2. add one of the following lines to the end of your .procmailrc file:

   if you wish to copy messages to the IMAP server:

   :0 c ! monkey-<user>@imap.monkeymail.org

   if you wish to just relay all messages to the IMAP server:

   :0 ! monkey-<user>@imap.monkeymail.org
3. install the monkey CA cert
4. change your password via the monkeymail web interface:
   1. log in with your <user>@monkey.org account and temporary password
   2. click on Options
   3. click on Change Password
5. set up your imap e-mail client
6. e-mail root@ if you have any questions!

put your HTML webpage files in ~/Public/html. the URL to your homepage is: http://monkey.org/~username/(where username is your username).

IMPORTANT NOTE: any time you add files to this directory, they will be created with strict permissions, such that only you can read them. You need to run the 'fixpublic' program everytime you want to make your Public data available to the world - 'man fixpublic' for more information.

so far, just two - HTMaiL for forms-based mail, and counter, the standard counter CGI.

if you want statistics on how much traffic your homepage is generating, see wwwreport instead.

you can also run PHP scripts (v.4.2.3). any file with a .php extension will be processed as such.

hey! maybe you should check out server side includes.

e-mail root@monkey for setup.

once you have the database set up, you can log into it from our login servers by typing in the following:

you can get a list of available databases to you by typing:

if you don't specify the database name, you can choose it at this point by typing:

to list the available tables in a given database, type:

finally, for those of you who wish to use the database in conjunction with PHP, you would specifically be interested in the mysql family of PHP functions. For example:

on occasion, pesky people link directly to your resources instead of your web page without asking. this requires a little bit of advanced web-fu, but you can whack them in the knees tonya-harding style.

for example, if your website were www.monkey.org, you would want to make an .htaccess file that contained the following:

the first clause with all the SetEnvIfNoCase commands sets up a variable called locally_linked. locally_linked is set to 1 if any of the following conditions are met:

• the page referring to the resource starts with http://www.monkey.org/
• the page referring to the resource is http://www.monkey.org/
• the page referring to the resource starts with http://monkey.org/
• the page referring to the resource is http://monkey.org/
• there is no referring page, and the resource is accessed directly

the second clause sets up a control for files ending with the following extension that allows them to only be accessed if locally_linked is set to 1:

• gif
• png
• jpeg
• jpg
• mrw
• tif
• tiff

the third clause ensures that nobody can access the .htaccess file itself

did you delete your just completed novel? we can help!

in your home directory are several links - .snapshot-daily, .snapshot-weekly and .snapshot-mail. follow them to older versions of your home directory and mbox files.

the snapshots live on a separate disk. not only does this allow us to provide you an easy method of file recovery, but it protects against main disk failure. neat!

do we have any older backups? yes. speak to root@monkey for assistance.

use the calendar program on monkey. if you don't know what it is, chances are you have something better to help you with this task.